The arrival of Typhoon Tiger this week meant torrential rain on Friday, with the prospect of further violent storms during the running of this Hash.

This element of potential danger caused the arseholes of many veteran Hashers to alternately pucker and relax, such was their fear of potentially getting a little wet and muddy. Notable absentees included Cougar Bait, Pink Panzer and even Soggy Biscuit, lamely citing an imaginary “business meeting” as a transparently feeble excuse for not getting stuck in this week. Also absent was Herr Meatballs, who was representing the GZ Hash at the Nash Hash in Quingdao this weekend ( so, presumably, all fellow Hashers across the whole of China will assume the GZ Hash is full of overweight, beer-swilling, short-cutting bastards? Maybe they’re not completely wrong)!

The return of our errant Kiwis also marked the return of good logistical management to the Hash, with Sir Cum Navigator and Globetwatter covering the roles of GM, Hare Raiser, Biermeister, Hash Cash, Haberdash AND Hareing for this event.

Such versatility and sheer hard work hasn’t been seen on the Hash since the last time Sleazy Chair tried to get himself laid!

Arriving at Stone Mountain, Globetwatter was seen to be in good spirits, an ominous omen that portended a difficult trail ahead. Indeed, a back check early on split the pack, with Hunka Spunk, Constipation, Pommy Rotten and 2 new female Hashers getting hopelessly lost. At this point Pommy Rotten valiantly suggested returning to the A point, for the well-being of the ladies – yet Hunka Spunk misinterpreted this characteristic act of chivalry as personal weakness, suggesting he should henceforth be known as “Pussy Rotten”!

On-on through the thickly verdant trail, brambles, bamboo and razor grass all taking their bloody toll on any exposed skin.

Globetwatter did later acknowledge that she was surprised at how thick the vegetation was on the trail, as on the previous outing there, (in December), it was sparser.

Usefully, Skidmarks then pointed out to (science teacher) Globetwatter that plants tend to grow more in the summer!

Thankfully GPS was on hand to provide comedic distraction from the rigours of the trail, frequently stumbling to the ground in a series of pratfalls and one spectacular complete 360. In fact it was later remarked that he was up and down more often than a bride’s night gown!

On new “tradition” featured on this Hash was the placement by the Hare of a full bottle of cold beer mid- way through the trail. However, despite the word “BEER” being written on the floor in white flour and more flour being placed on the bottle, not a single person found it!

Dyke Plugger, we needed your beer-dousing skills that day.

Front running bastards for the day were Canadian Jeff and Pixie Slut, with Yan Can Suck finishing as the last of the runners. True to form, no sooner was the bus in sight than she started sucking on a cigarette.

(Note to self: according to Freud, the cigarette is a classic penis substitute for someone stuck at the phase of oral pleasure. Does this give rise to certain questions that should be raised both with Yan and her fellow fumeurs, Habitual Sucker and, indeed, Skidmarks??).

Circle up!

La Shi Ji and Pixy Slut instantly came forwards as Drays for the proceedings which, in the absence of mightier souls, were presided over by emergency RA Pommy Rotten.

Deserved down-downs for sins on the trail included:

• GPS, for slobbering a previous down-down, resulting in an unconscionable amount of SPILLAGE
• Skidmarks, for persuading his work colleague to come hashing after telling her there might be “a few bushes” on the trail
• Both Yan Can Suck and Constipation, for feeble dodges to get out of haring.
• Hunka Spunk, for making his trademark incomprehensible acquisitions (“Translator? Translator!!”).
• Sticky Fingers, for cumming so infrequently during his 16 year membership of the GZ Hash
• Boogie Nights, for his infamous filming of a certain Chic Sheik’s genitalia

Topped off the evening with some excellent Dongbei food, superbly ordered by La Shi Je and Pixy Slut, accompanied by lashings of cold beer.

Indeed, Sir Cum Navigator’s intake was so prodigious that, by the end of the evening, only Hunka Spunk could decipher his utterances (“Translator? Translator!!”).

A final, chilling news story.

Hashing thrives in many far flung countries including, amazingly, Afghanistan.

Access to the dates / times / location of their runs is password protected on their website, presumably so as not to advertise to the Taliban exactly where all these foreigners (a.k.a. targets) will be.

According to the New York Times, one of the Hashers was shot and, at the memorial service, the GM of the Kabul Hash was invited to give the eulogy because:

“he was confident in public speaking”.

Just hold that thought a minute……

Your friends, colleagues and family come to a memorial service summing up your life’s contribution to the world …..and it is conducted by a member of Mismanagement??

Holy Fuck!!

It would be bad enough if the job of describing your life and character were left to someone like Sir Cum – but what if it was Filthy, Meatballs or, Heaven forbid, Raging Bullshit??!!

That is an almost sobering thought.

Next weeks Hash will be a Dutch affair, so bring your best athletic sports clogs for a flat and boring Hash.

Please note, all lily-livered Hashers who chickened out of the previous run, through fear of getting wet, are expected to run the whole of the next Hash clad only in their swimwear.

Fire In the Hole, Mattress Pad, Pink Bits, Thumbleprints, Pink Panzer, Organ Grinder…..this means you!

Hello Sailor, Hands So Low, Click Dick and Chick Broiler ……we’re prepared to make an exception for you guys, on grounds of public taste and decency.

On-ON!

Anon

After the initial beer drought of last week’s Hash, Biermeister Meatballs ordered a generous surfeit of the Great Refresher ( Hunka Spunk is renowned in Guangzhou for often being so “refreshed” that he can barely walk).

However, as any project manager knows, many tasks have to be completed before the whole project can be considered done.

Thus, whilst there was beer in abundance, an excited Pack, a smelly bus – of ice, there was none……

Never fear, some hurried phone calls and much prayer delivered the ice and we’re ready!

2 female new-cummers of note joining us today, they Hashed in California and had just finished a 3 week teaching assignment in Wuhan. VodKock mentioned that the only reason they flew to Guangzhou for a 2 day stopover on their way to India was because they’d heard that the GZ Hash was “the best Hash in China”.

So we will return to their verdict on the day at the conclusion.

Dafu San was the site for today, a place made (in)famous by the heroic English Hash (running, walking AND cycling) laid by Piledriver and Pommy Rotten.

(In passing, it should be noted that this was originally billed as a British Hash, until Hello Sailor got cold Caledonian feet and abandoned his countrymen in their hour of need). Shame!

Whorenando reassured our Californian visitors that, as it was 100F / 38C, Mismanagement had concerns about the wellbeing of the Pack – so the trail would be short, “about 45 minutes to 1 hour”.

Thus Whorenando demonstrated his lack of suitability to be a fortune teller, with such shit predictive powers!

On-On!

Hare Finger Licker displayed remarkable stinginess by investing in just half a kilo of flour for a 9.2km trail. In the long run, this exceptional quality could see him elevated to the rank of Hash Cash.

However, in the short term, this caused a degree of confusion, as sometimes very long stretches were devoid of trail markings. Still, trusting to luck and Dykeplugger’s perpetual optimism, we sallied on until hitting the next patch of white gold.

We all stayed the course over the next 5km until the distinguishing feature of this Hash became evident – mass short-cutting in spectacular fashion.

First to throw in the towel was Meatballs (big surprise there)!

Then Cougar Bait, muttering something about needing to attend a “business meeting” (sounds like, sounds like…).

OK, this is pretty chicken-shit, but at least they got back to the bus under their own steam.

Not so Fire in The Hole and Dykeplugger!

They had the audacity to flag down an electric golf cart and cruise back to the A site, a gentle breeze cooling their glowing cheeks.

Short cutting bastards!

Thus, 2 – 2.5 hours after setting off, the Hashers straggled back to the bus.

Last to arrive were the trio of Thumbleprints, Hello Sailor and Dong-Dong.

One has to speculate with horror at the genetic mutant that a threesome between these depraved individuals would produce.

Circle Up!

In an effortless display of the “anschluss” of power, megalomaniac Meatballs (henceforth to be known as “Emperor for Life of the GZ Hash”) annexed the position of both GM and RA. Under his harsh eye the acquisitions rained, including revelations that:

• whilst waiting at the bus, Fire in the Hole gave her lucky little dog a hand job (with a Happy Ending)

• that the majority of Dutch men (but no Germans) shave their pubic hair. Of special note here was the disclosure that Yan Can Suck had hers permanently removed via laser treatment here in GZ (brave girl! Lucky laser operator!), so no more stubble trouble for her ever. Have to applaud a “chat chauve”, a.k.a. the “shaven haven” (on a female) – maybe the Dutch “men” are all wannabe porn stars??

• that, in order to charm his way into their knickers, Helmud told our visitors that the bus was parked on the summit of the mountain!

• that the Chic Sheik, Dr. Strangeglove and Helmud all proudly sport luxuriantly bushy genital regions.

Bus, “on top of the mountain”, “piss stop” beer and food.

At least Sleazy Chair deigned to join us for this last activity, flirting outrageously with our Californian new-cummers.

Speaking of whom, VodKock pronounced Guangzhou to be “the best Chinese Hash Club ever” (probably because it’s the only Chinese Hash she’s ever attended)!

Next week – Evil Braless and Double O Dirk will demonstrate the international cooperation and coordination of actions that caused her to be knocked unconscious by her own husband last week. Your humble scribe has a bad feeling about this one!

On-ON!

Anon

A Tale of Two Herrs #1059

Herr Hands Solo and Herr Meatballs are well known members of the Guangzhou Hash. But for what, exactly, are they well known?

Is it:

1. Team spirit and compassion for their fellow man?
2. Being front-running bastards that set the standard for the rest of the pack?
3. Being serial short-cutters, habitual wankers and the thirstiest beggars at the Circle (only Dyke Plugger can outdo them at this)?

The bar of expectation for this pair of Herrs was set pretty low.

The main topic arcing from table to table was whether this trail would be worse than the previous one (when Cougar Bait, in an act of sheer inspiration, laid an X in the middle of a chicken farm – and the chickens ate the flour!), OR could it plumb deeper abysses than the infamous Dumb and Dumber Hash “masterminded” by Raging Bullshit and Hunka Spunk.

As the Actress said to the Bishop, all will be revealed below…..

Now, every Hash has some essential components, others are just desirable.

Transport – anything will do, even if we all have to get out when it goes up a hill.

Ice – essential and delivered on time in copious amounts

Bottled water – check, enough and to spare

Beer – ……………

No, seriously, beer-………..

WTF? You’re joking, right? Where’s the beer? – …………

Thankfully, in the absence of Soggy Biscuit (a man with notoriously short arms and deep pockets) the customary Grecian levels of financial austerity were breached and entire bottles were purchased from a RETAIL store @ RETAIL prices.

One and all could hear the wailing and gnashing of Soggy teeth over this act!

Off the bus, starting to sober up by now and realize – Holy Shit, Double O Dirk and Evil Braless have been allowed back into China!

If such chronic sex tourists are allowed to return, then Kiwi Aaron, Chick Broiler, Dr. Strange-Glove, Helmut and Whorenando can all breathe collective sighs of relief!

On-ON!

Lustily, Filthy Habits cries the challenge to commence. This should mean that Hunka Spunk buggers off with the other frontrunners (Chic Sheik, Pixie Slut and occasionally Yan Can Suck) and, unusually, desert La Zhi Ji along with other such wankers as Rambo, Pink Bits, Pin Prick and Fire-In-The Hole).

But no!

Skillful Herrs confound ambitious front runners, their sweaty labours are reduced to nothing! By dint of a pair of X’s, the increasingly desperate looking runners were thrown back into the society of wankers.

On-On and on we went, until disaster – Whorenando picks up a “sporting” injury (how – he was barely strolling??). As a pretty young Chinese girl offers to massage the affected area, the opportunistic Whorenando switches the area he had been rubbing (calf) and promotes it 2 feet upwards into a groin strain. That man could teach Fagin a thing or two about artful dodging!

News of the injury was communicated to the lead Herr (Meatballs), who gave us an example of the care and compassion he displays for his countrymen in his professional capacity at the Embassy.

Quote:

“Fuck him, we’ve got his 50 quai, he can find his own way back. He left his wallet on the bus; we can go through that and get some more money too”.

By now we’ve reached the first of the reservoirs and even the hardest to please were heard commenting that this is the most scenic Hash ever and well planned (especially the longer loop for the runners that again brought them into contact with wankers). Indeed, it was a female wanker who came to the aid of a fallen Chic Sheik.

As blood gushed from his calf, she deftly tied a sanitary towel to the affected area, which he wore with pride for the rest of the day!

Within 1 km of the finish, pause for a well deserved beer stop and the 1^st sighting of Hands Solo. Cynics opined that he’d taken the bus to the B point and just strolled to the bar, spending the afternoon sipping cool beer whist others were enduring the trails and tribulations of the trail.

Back, the bus but one added attraction – bathing.

Once Sleazy Chair had been ousted from his voyeuristic spying place on the bus, the female hashers could get changed and down to the water.

Good to see Thumbleprints enticing Dong Dong deeper and deeper into the water, until he accidently swallowed some and started coughing like an 80-a-day smoker. Also of note was the Chic Sheik’s persistence in trying to persuade Yan Can Suck to go topless to prove her French credentials and Pixy Slut’s explanation of how a HK Hasher earned the name of Chatroom Pedophile!

The Circle

Early down-down for the Herrs, as Filthy informed the assemblage that their apparently well designed trail was, step for step, exactly the same trail that was set less than 12 months ago! The Herrs were not innovators, they were imitators!

Obviously been in China too long…

Cougar Bait outed by Meatballs for New Shoes, so the position of the archer was assumed and beer drunk accordingly.

HunkaSpunk easily took Fashion on the Hash for attire that displayed his beer gut to best effect.

The bus, the Mango and a welcome dinner next door.

Special mention here to Mattress Pad for some inspired food ordering, just the right amount too.

The party broke up around 10pm, with Double O Dirk, clearly drunk as a lord, claiming to have “jet lag” – strangely, most people also develop exactly this type of “jet lag” after half a dozen bottles of beer!

All meet next Saturday, 1.30 sharp at the Golden Mango

On-ON!

Anon

Videos? Videos!

“are you killing me? do you mean no one follow the trails we set?!”

typical summer day, shinning sunshine, wonderful wind, was a fantastical hash day. the bus is overloaded with hashers.

The Hares Filthy Habit and Cougar Bait happily run ahead to set the trails for walkers and runners. The C-C runs were expected to be the best hash ever with the inviting natural clear resevoir/pond at the beginning of the trail. Soggy, running and checking, is eager to swimming. YOU ARE TOO EXCITED TO OPEN THE DOOR, GOD OPENS THE WINDOW. Past the henneries, Soggy was lost, before him, it was a huge spider web and mess. Then hashers were walking near the hennery, back and forth, up and down. time was going, but the swimming pond was still faraway. Finally Soggy pick up a branch and and was ready to break the cobweb and move on.

some were just ready to back to the pond. The hare Filthy habits show up and told how to back to the swimming pond and where was the walker trail. No more Checking, Filthy habits showed every direction.

The episode, for me, is the Dutch is Jinx. He said “you watch out today” every time he showed up before my face, till the lost and back to the Resevoir. I was walking on the walker trail and down the hill, stepped on a unstable stone and tumbled, fortunately the buns were protected by the thigh, otherwise how could i sit on sore buns. Difficult to decrease the size of the thigh, it is quite easy to increase the size in one minute—it is swollen and blue. get hurt.

Best hasher ever when hashers are swimming in hot summer with cold beer at hand. Hares took a basket of cold beers to the spond.

I heard Hare Cougar Bait said to Filthy Habits:” are you killing me? do you mean no one follow the trails we set?!!” “well it is not my fault, I set a back check mark there, but the chickens eat them.”  when the two hares took the basket of empty beer cans back to the Bus.

Here is a strong suggest from Soggy for all hares:” DO NOT USE FLOUR TO SET A BACK CHECK MARK BEFORE THOUSANDS OF CHICKENS.”

ON ON

May

A sweat day with hurrahs when Shoeless  show up, he got kisses from almost every hasher. And the hasher men are so handsom that a father even take his daughter to the mango bar because she wants to make friends with the hasher men. Unfortunely the hasher men only like the wet hasher women.

Hasher were happy in the cool bus, enjoying the air condition and expecting the hot hash, but it didn’t start till “boys, get off to push the bus.”

Surprisely arrived at the C-C hash run without driver’s lost. To make sure there is no lost in this hash, Meatball just back to the beer after he checked a false way. Every hasher was wet not long after the hash started, making the big sun failed to dry them. And to make sure all hashers being wet, the hare Soggy left out “the walker trail is not short either.” saying “the runner trail is neither long.”

The ice was hot in the hot day, the dog “Dongdong” wanted to eat it and Soggy sit on it before the Circle. With the down-down sounds, the hares Soggy and Great Assberries were happy and enjoying on the ice.

On On

May

Dear Dairy,

To he a GZ Hare is a huge responsibility and should not be treated lightly. To that end when the GZ Hash showed a huge amount of confidence in HunkaSpunk and I to hare the 1,036^th trail we approached it with the professionalism and dedication that everyone would expect from us.

Aiding us in this was a number key considerations that were given to us by the GZ Haremeister, Globe Twatter.

Firstly, proper preparation prevents a piss poor performance

This is quite correct and so nothing was left to chance. My co-hare and I carefully looked for a site with more than one restaurant where we could lunch. We considered multiple restaurants to be important in case one was closed or the style of cuisine was not to our liking. This payed dividends because one of the restaurants was indeed closed. In the open restaurant we were initially a little bit rattled because of the lack of cold beer, but after careful negotiation the freezer was stocked with 12 tall bottles of Tsingtao. Mission accomplished !!

Make sue you are in peak physical condition when trail setting and ensure the correct levels of rehydration

To ensure that we were match fit I deliberately left the Mango Bar at 2:30am on Saturday morning. My co-hare remained until 3.30am as he still felt his rehydration levels were not sufficient by 2.30am.

Tick the nutrition box.

Plan, plan, plan

Both Hunka and I find local Cantonese chicken a bit boring, so we were careful to ensure at lunch that extra chilli and garlic were added to the main dish. Also at the advice of the waitress the had the excellent Xian Cai with garlic. We also based on her recommendation got the goats stomach, however given we both understood goat in Putonghua, but not tripe we were less than impressed with it. None less one of the local dogs who became a firm friend seemed to endorse the dish. The beer was chilling nicely.

Just as the retention of acquired knowledge in any professional organisation is one of modern managements key challenges, I shall make a note to advise all future hares to avoid the goats stomach.

Also pivotal in the planning was the location. We had a table bought outside so we could relax under a tree from an elevated point to await the arrival of the Hash Bus and cleverly orchestrate the Hash from the vantage point once the run began sans cold beer.

About half through lunch we suddenly noticed that we had 3 kilograms of flour on hand. After another two bottles of bitterly cold beer we remembered that there had been an expectation that we set a hash trail.

A quick run round where we indiscriminately threw a couple of handfuls of flour on the ground, in no particular order saw that dealt with before hurriedly returning to our lunch setting and more bitterly cold bottles of Tsing Tao.

Give detailed instructions

Hunka cleverly printed out two copies of map which we used with no difficulty to find the Hash site. With his usual focus on detail he also had Lazi Ji drop a copy to the Mismanagement rallying the Hashers at the Mango.

Despite the detailed nature of the map and the very obvious blue cross marked clearly on the blank section of the page (which made it stand out) Sir Cum, Globe Twatter and Soggy Biscuit directed the bus to the wrong place. Poor Mr Magoo the new driver. Owing to the cost of the call Soggy waited until we called him to ask where the bus was. We were quickly able to get our charming waitress how to get there (in between her no doubt promoting  the virtues of the Goats stomach.)  In all the lucky Hashers spent 1 & ½ hours sight-seeing on the bus before they were greeted by the Hares in the most appropriate manner and the Hash kicked off.

A roaring success

PT Barnum quipped “there’s a sucker born every minute“. It seems this hold for the GZ Hash where despite being emailed out a warning about the dumb and dumber hash, about fifty Hashers’ came out at their own peril.

But did we fool them!!! It was a varied trail cleverly split between runners and walker. Challenging yet elegant. It also featured a briar patch for the America’s as per Uncle Tom’s Cabin and a home invasion for the Africans. All cleverly engineered.

In fact the winner of the 2009 worst hash of the year, Filthy Habits was speechless after the Hash when I asked him how he found it. Globe Twatter stated that it was not as bad as she expected, a ringing endorsement. Sir Cum labelled it confusing a statement which confused us Hares. Full of Spunk, Flashing Snapper, Habitual Sucker and GPS all kept chanting something that sounded like “spice the hairs”. After 8 or so bottles of Tsingtao this was in fact very confusing. Still veteran Hashers such as Sunshine waxed lyrically about how good a trail it was. Meatballs labelled it a success despite Hand Solo waving his finger and head in a very agitated manner which made him look more like Kaiser Bill.

Uncle Gerry, Black Sheep, Kubla Kock and Dykeplugger endorsed the day fully as they had elected to remain at the trail HQ and assist in the drinking of beer.

The Circle

After a gentle icing of the Hares it was time to get down to the real business of the day. First on Ice, Whore Chi Minge who knowing full fell what awaited ensured he styled his hair with petroleum based products and not the usual coating of beer soluble gel. He was summonsed to the ice with the down-down about Gordon Brown’s own staff reporting the English Prime Minister to the National Bullying Hotline, no doubt the reason why WC Minge is being forced to relocate from China to Indonesia. Employment rights are still in their infancy in Jakarta.

Next on the ice was Marzi Porn who is returning to da motherland. She sensibly wore black trackpants rather than her trademark see thru when wet white shorts.

Finally on ice was Uncle Gerry ahead of his naming.

Down down’s included Filthy Habits drawing a comparison between his own physical characteristics and a study that defined handsome.  No wonder Sir Cum was confused.

Also setting the scene was Flithy’s premature full moon down-down. Despite his considerable speed on a steep slope he always manages to fall in step behind some female Hashers. On the day the lucky candidates included Jade, Full of Spunk, Thumble Prints and co.

For some reason GPS seemed to have an orgasm in the circle at which point he was immediately summonsed for a down-down.

Still Sir Cum rallied and called Ollie up who he rightly observed loved to get down and dirty given she had returned to the bus looking like she’d been at a mud wrestling convention.

Glen from Peru purchased a large firework, early into the trail which he then carried the whole distance, including navigating the briar patch. Still when it came to igniting it we noted that as an employee of a large US organisation building a large shopping centre in the heart of Zhujiang Xin Cheng he selected our own Chic Sheik, a North African Muslim to detonate the device.

Jade complained bitterly about her long overdue name but one thing she can be sure…there is no shortage of ice.

Finally the naming. He arrived Uncle Gerry but left Garry Glitter. Unfortunately many of us had not know that G Glitter had been embroiled in some controversy several years before, as it transpired the newly named Garry was having difficulty explaining to several potential neices why his namesake was famous.

As usual much thanks to the Dray’s, Full of Spunk, Habitual Sucker and Jade.

As the gang entered the bus again for the trip home, it was nice to  be so close to friends again. Luckily there were no calls for pit-stops or complaints about overcrowding, like one would expect on a retirees trip to a new shopping mall instead of a Hash (sounds like), so Mr Magoo could race back to Guangzhou so the thirsty Hashers could get rebeerdrated again.

Given the beautiful weather dinner was held outside at Baiyun where is was good to see Garry Glitter still working on recruiting even more nieces. Even if they would have your rabbits on the stove quicker than you could say bunny soup!!!

Perhaps better to stick with the goats’ stomach.

OnOn

Raging Bullshit (& HunkaSpunk)

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members” Graucho Marx

The New Year brings fresh developments to the Hash, as Mismanagement strive for ever higher standards of customer care for the devoted pack (“Sounds like, sounds like ……”).

The most notable change was the sad demise of the much beloved, albeit environmentally poisonous, Mush Mobile.

Rumour had it that the veneer of dried and stale beer coating every available surface had rendered it a serious health hazard, host to strange strains of bacteria, nurtured by the copious puddles of bodily fluids (some her own) left behind every time Jade got changed.

GPS immediately praised the new chariot on account of the increased leg room. However Herr Meatballs, ever pragmatic, was most impressed with the extra room for his prodigious genitals, claiming that he no longer has to sit “like a woman giving birth” to accommodate his pork sword.

Methinks he doest protest too much!

If the cartoons in the ladies toilet at Mango are anatomically accurate, it’s more like a wiener than bratwurst!

A warm welcome back to our wandering Sir Cum and Globetwatter who, assisted (?) by GPS, were haring for the day.

Right from the beginning they displayed their trademark style of numerous circles and back-checks, effecting a Diaspora of hounds scattered wide across the countryside. Ever thoughtful, our Kiwi hares arranged for some goats to be stationed at regular intervals for the sexual relief of their countrymen.

Never slow in cumming forward, Raging Bullshit quickly singled out the prettiest one with a practiced eye, but didn’t give her his mobile number afterwards! What a callous baaaa-stard!

Up hill and down dale we struggled bravely on until disaster struck – our entire contingent of German Über-athletes was defeated by the rigours of the trail. They had to retire hurt to the bus, to babysit the beer. Crafty bugger that Hans Solo, getting extra time to raise the wrist!

Somehow we inferior races found the strength to push on, through some of the most glorious countryside that Guangdong has to offer.  Plunging through bamboo forests, our spirits lifted by lyrical cries of “On-On” courtesy of Sleazy Chair and bellows from our very own Hunk-A-Spunk.

Thus passed the next 2 hours, as hashers strolled, sauntered or sprinted (each according to their own peculiar custom), trying to divine the cracked and beer-addled minds of the hares. One useful observation from Habitual Sucker was, when faced with a circle of flour, always take the path that Jade doesn’t take – that way we are pretty certain to be on the right trail!

On-in and back to the bus for refreshment.

Special thanks to Sleazy Chair for his savory bites, one wonders if he uses a special secret sauce for that piquant salty flavour.                     Also Habitual Sucker’s brown bits were well appreciated, as were CiCi’s coconut covered phalli.

Circle Up!

New cummers were honoured in traditional style, including “Asia”, a Virginian offshoot of the Habit’s clan. Novel to have a Virgin over the age of 13 in that family!

Next came a flurry of accusations, falling thicker and faster than arrows at Agincourt. Of special note include observations that:

• • Rasmus appears to be a photographic negative of his evil twin brother, Hunk-A-Spunk

• • Pommy Rotton sports tight, leopard skin “budgie smugglers” at the beach

• • Pinprick, Constipation and Sunshine deserved “down-downs” for displaying apparent beer phobia, by not getting earlier down downs.

Breaking news.

The Guangzhou Government has raised it’s Almighty Fuck-Up warning to level 9 for next weekend. This is in response to the truly dire information that next week’s hounds will be misled by Raging Bullshit and Hunk-A-Spunk.

Already dubbed the Dumb and Dumber Hash, prominent companies have been competing to sponsor the event.

Currently Prudential Life Insurance have the edge, closely followed by StayDry Incontinence Aids (you’ll piss yourself at the incompetent Hares atrocious efforts) and General Haig Consultancy Services (“Lions led by Donkeys”).

Still, as this is Martzi Porn’s Fuck Off Hash, we should emulate the Mayor of Guangzhou, who takes an annual swim through the turd-laden Pearl River.

Like him, we should “go through the motions” of a truly terrible Hash, just so we can get Martzi Porn ROARING drunk afterwards.

Church notices

1. Please submit suggested Hash names for Rasmus to Mismanagement in the normal fashion

1. For God’s sake, please stop bombarding Mismanagement with ever more disgusting Hash names for Jade.                Every aspect of her depraved lifestyle has been exposed and exploited, we are drowning in suggestions!!

1. GPS has custody of the Hashits this week.                          Please remind him to bring them next week, and also to take the blue pills every 4 hours and the red ones after meals.

On-On!

Anon

The Pommie Hash

Dear Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas, Duchess of Edinburgh, Sovereign of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle following is my report into the heroic actions of two loyal and fawning citizens of the most beautiful collection of Islands known as Mother England.

On the day of Saturday in the year of our lord 2009, Duke Pete of Pom and Sir Pile Driver laid an absolutely magnificent Hash Trail (by jove flour that is not the stuff preferred by that young bounder Prince Harry).

Definitely an example to remind the United Nations of souls gathered what absolutely stern stuff us Brits are made off.  We took civilisation to these Hashers’ just as we introduced civilisation to those peasant Irish and Scottish.

While there had been much scepticism that we would not demonstrate the leadership and courage that categorises us as a nation of empire builders, rather than we would be made to look like a fallen star inhabited by binge drinkers, Chav’s and scouse girls, valour won on the day.

It was a magnificent day reminiscent of a fine English summer….bitterly cold, windy, raining and only 11oC. A fair smattering of representative from our Commonwealth attended…Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Rhodesia.

The trail was divided into 3 sections – running, walking and cleverly a cycle trail.

All started well although young Pile Driver was having difficulty waving the flag which one can only attribute to nothing having been subjected to enough fagging when he was at public school.

The superiority of English planning, excluding the fact that Sir Pete of Pom did take a tad long in explaining to everyone how the system worked, saw it end up as a marvellous Hash. It fact it was later joked that the explanation took longer than the Hash itself.

Still one thing that was a Hash first was the lengthy time it took the Hares to return to the circle. Normally the Hares should be first back to the Bus given they are setting the trail. Not this time !!! Pete of Pom and his trusty sidekick where the last to return on Bicycle some 1 hour after the first person had returned. Normally the Hares would be given the benefit of the doubt, but in this case everyone was un-prepared to do so and concluded they had lost their way…on their own trail !!

Now there are many people of Dutch origin on this Hash, thirsty beggars that they are. While renowned for their liberal attitudes to drugs and sex they are not known as a nation of great athletes. So un-surprising to see Shithole Millionaire, Kubla Kock and Dyke Plugger elect for the gentler cycling option. Shame they practice less restraint when it comes to the beer drinking later !!

One of the curious things of the Hash is what they call the circle. It is reminisant of the glorious days of private school where they get various members of the Hash up and get them to perform curious acts..including drinking round out of bedpans.

One of our most ardent critics was a chap called Soggy Biscuit…correct your Majesty, named after exactly the game that Prince Phillip with a few chaps like to retire to his study with in order to spread a bit man-hood onto a Ryvita.

He nominated a down-down based that when one Hasher learned the Pom’s where laying the trail, Mingless had requested the bus be stopped so that she get off. An unbeliever it would seem.

The circle was presided over the most boorish of individuals, the suitably named Raging Bullshit and saw a host of down downs. Contributing significantly was Sir Cum Navigator, Filthy Habits and Hunka Spunk.

These included two for new shoes. A quaint tradition whereby Gerry and Hans where required to drink beer from their new shoes. Less surprising was the crowds ability to goad Kubla Kock into drinking from new socks. Treacherous bastards these Dutch in the aptly named Kubla Kock was outed by his own country man Dyke Plugger, who was wearing a pair of identical socks given to him by KK in the first instance !!!

Three christenings were also completed. After sitting on blocks of ice (a jolly great ritual I last witnessed in the Masonic Lodge) Roxanne became Marzi Porn so named because of two of her favourite interests. Renee became Two Can Chew because of here dammed fine penchant for meat, and the delight that Black Sheep took in her having to explain this name to her 14 year old son. Finally after an excruciating 1 hour plus on the ice, Sir Pete of Pom was christened Johnny Rotton.  An honorific bestowed because of his claim that as a nice guy he was unable to participate in the stray bedroom antics that otherwise a true bounder and a cad could. He doth protest too much me thinks, after all he has jolly thick glasses !!

Other down downs included confirmation that Hunka Spunk does have tracksuits other than white ones, That Canadians fail in the art of lying about their age and that those dammed Germans were finally learning the art of Diplomacy. In fact too many good ones to relate them all.

Our German foes are constantly reminded of their failed efforts at Nation Building but seem to seek solace in the continuation of their motor industry. Personally I much preferred my Austin Maxi over those pretenacious BWM 7 series.

If a successful Hash is to be judged by the quantities of beer drunk, Sir Cum Navigator was heard to remark that a considerable quantity had been hoovered down.

On-on your Majesty. Your loyal servant,

Anon

TOUGH CHICK HASH

This was always going to be a “Tough Hash” as Platterpuss gave it this wonderful title after experiencing previous monsters created by Globetwatter who had the assistance of another long distance running freak, Renee. Read on to find out how tough, “tough” is!

Everything started off smoothly enough with 38 hashers assembling including newcummers Glen (perhaps our first Peruvian Hasher) and Tina whom our South African infrequent hasher Jerry brought along and passed off as his niece, a better excuse next time please Jerry, business associate would be more convincing. Old Timers, Raging Bullshit, Black sheep and Whorenando made a welcum return with the first two looking like the food and San Migs they had consumed in the Philippines’ had made them prime candidates for “The Tough Chicks” torture. Everything ready, but where the hell is the ice, 3 phone calls only brought up the standard GZ excuse “Stuck in traffic” What do we do? Hares pacing and muttering “it’s a long hash we need to get going”, drinkers muttering “our beer needs to be cold”. In the end good old Mush Mouth made our decision for us and turned up ready to go, f- – - the ice. ON ON to Stone Mountain to the A point and the running hashers on their way, ON ON to the B point for the walkers who were supposed to be on their way before the runners arrived. But no, the walkers had decided when Mushy stopped to find ice that they couldn’t resist the Chinese national pastime of shopping, making our already slightly grey haired hares even greyer. Finally on to the B point with most off the runners already through this point with only Rambo, Thumbleprints and GPS making their way after the first big climb up Stone Mountain had sorted the runners out. Uli had shown her uphill prowess in this section, or was she in front because her butt was prettier than Shocked’s or Sir Cum’s. Then it was into the big climb of Long Dong Mountain with the only sounds being birdsong, gasping for air and the melodious cry of

“F – - – this is steep.” Front runner Filthy Habits picked the best option by following Jade to take his mind off the pain while Whore Chi Minge took the worst option by following Sir Cum. Up to the top of Long Dong Mountain with a short option going down which Globetwatter gave as the only option after 5.15pm, as Filthy would say “Good call” The front walkers and runners with Chic Sheik and Shocked leading the way did a longer course down the ridge and were rewarded with some wonderful views over Long Dong Lake. “Big Foot” alias Kublai Cock had hobbled up to the ridge to take some action shots and offer encouragement to all. Down to the bus with the majority of hashers saying the “Tough Chicks” had achieved their goal of an enjoyable Rambo Hash. The minority just mumbled into their beer “Stupid hash, Worst hash ever, too tough, Hash is meant to be a 45 minute stroll etc etc.

No ice so our ingenious GM decided rocks were good to sit on but were not used as it didn’t seem right to name hashers with no ice so it will have to wait until next week. Raging Bullshit was overheard saying how well he thought he was going on his first hash in half a zillion years until Hello Sailor blew him away and took the wind out of his sails (Nautical terms to make Hello Sailor feel at home)

It was a sad circle in some ways as it was OODirks last Guangzhou hash and also perhaps the last hash for Whore Chi Minge. I know it is one of the downsides of being an expat but it never gets any easier when you have to say good bye to your social mates. All the best guys!!!

Raging Bullshit quickly settled into the job of RA as if he had never left and had OODirk having a Down Down with everyone from Tall people to the Americans and he even managed to have several Down Downs by himself. The last hasher Gerry struggled in during the circle but even though it had been a tough hash for him he still managed a drink and a smile. Newcummer Tina was given a hard time, and rightfully so, for answering her phone while being accused. Hunkaspunk once again was to the fore in making accusations and to his credit none of them lasted over 5 minutes. So, with all safe and sound thanks to our highly paid security guard Ci Ci, it was on the MMM and back to the Big Dirty where a successful dinner finally happened at Platterpuss’s restaurant of choice.

Upcumming events – 23rd January 2010 Hash 1033 “Pommie Hash”

Hares – Pete the Pom and Pile Driver

Everyone to wear a knotted handkerchief as a hat.

REMEMBER – BUS LEAVES AT 2pm, NOT 2.15pm