A Hare’s Dairy – The Dumb & Dumber Hash

Dear Dairy,

To he a GZ Hare is a huge responsibility and should not be treated lightly. To that end when the GZ Hash showed a huge amount of confidence in HunkaSpunk and I to hare the 1,036^th trail we approached it with the professionalism and dedication that everyone would expect from us.

Aiding us in this was a number key considerations that were given to us by the GZ Haremeister, Globe Twatter.

Firstly, proper preparation prevents a piss poor performance

This is quite correct and so nothing was left to chance. My co-hare and I carefully looked for a site with more than one restaurant where we could lunch. We considered multiple restaurants to be important in case one was closed or the style of cuisine was not to our liking. This payed dividends because one of the restaurants was indeed closed. In the open restaurant we were initially a little bit rattled because of the lack of cold beer, but after careful negotiation the freezer was stocked with 12 tall bottles of Tsingtao. Mission accomplished !!

Make sue you are in peak physical condition when trail setting and ensure the correct levels of rehydration

To ensure that we were match fit I deliberately left the Mango Bar at 2:30am on Saturday morning. My co-hare remained until 3.30am as he still felt his rehydration levels were not sufficient by 2.30am.

Tick the nutrition box.

Plan, plan, plan

Both Hunka and I find local Cantonese chicken a bit boring, so we were careful to ensure at lunch that extra chilli and garlic were added to the main dish. Also at the advice of the waitress the had the excellent Xian Cai with garlic. We also based on her recommendation got the goats stomach, however given we both understood goat in Putonghua, but not tripe we were less than impressed with it. None less one of the local dogs who became a firm friend seemed to endorse the dish. The beer was chilling nicely.

Just as the retention of acquired knowledge in any professional organisation is one of modern managements key challenges, I shall make a note to advise all future hares to avoid the goats stomach.

Also pivotal in the planning was the location. We had a table bought outside so we could relax under a tree from an elevated point to await the arrival of the Hash Bus and cleverly orchestrate the Hash from the vantage point once the run began sans cold beer.

About half through lunch we suddenly noticed that we had 3 kilograms of flour on hand. After another two bottles of bitterly cold beer we remembered that there had been an expectation that we set a hash trail.

A quick run round where we indiscriminately threw a couple of handfuls of flour on the ground, in no particular order saw that dealt with before hurriedly returning to our lunch setting and more bitterly cold bottles of Tsing Tao.

Give detailed instructions

Hunka cleverly printed out two copies of map which we used with no difficulty to find the Hash site. With his usual focus on detail he also had Lazi Ji drop a copy to the Mismanagement rallying the Hashers at the Mango.

Despite the detailed nature of the map and the very obvious blue cross marked clearly on the blank section of the page (which made it stand out) Sir Cum, Globe Twatter and Soggy Biscuit directed the bus to the wrong place. Poor Mr Magoo the new driver. Owing to the cost of the call Soggy waited until we called him to ask where the bus was. We were quickly able to get our charming waitress how to get there (in between her no doubt promoting  the virtues of the Goats stomach.)  In all the lucky Hashers spent 1 & ½ hours sight-seeing on the bus before they were greeted by the Hares in the most appropriate manner and the Hash kicked off.

A roaring success

PT Barnum quipped “there’s a sucker born every minute“. It seems this hold for the GZ Hash where despite being emailed out a warning about the dumb and dumber hash, about fifty Hashers’ came out at their own peril.

But did we fool them!!! It was a varied trail cleverly split between runners and walker. Challenging yet elegant. It also featured a briar patch for the America’s as per Uncle Tom’s Cabin and a home invasion for the Africans. All cleverly engineered.

In fact the winner of the 2009 worst hash of the year, Filthy Habits was speechless after the Hash when I asked him how he found it. Globe Twatter stated that it was not as bad as she expected, a ringing endorsement. Sir Cum labelled it confusing a statement which confused us Hares. Full of Spunk, Flashing Snapper, Habitual Sucker and GPS all kept chanting something that sounded like “spice the hairs”. After 8 or so bottles of Tsingtao this was in fact very confusing. Still veteran Hashers such as Sunshine waxed lyrically about how good a trail it was. Meatballs labelled it a success despite Hand Solo waving his finger and head in a very agitated manner which made him look more like Kaiser Bill.

Uncle Gerry, Black Sheep, Kubla Kock and Dykeplugger endorsed the day fully as they had elected to remain at the trail HQ and assist in the drinking of beer.

The Circle

After a gentle icing of the Hares it was time to get down to the real business of the day. First on Ice, Whore Chi Minge who knowing full fell what awaited ensured he styled his hair with petroleum based products and not the usual coating of beer soluble gel. He was summonsed to the ice with the down-down about Gordon Brown’s own staff reporting the English Prime Minister to the National Bullying Hotline, no doubt the reason why WC Minge is being forced to relocate from China to Indonesia. Employment rights are still in their infancy in Jakarta.

Next on the ice was Marzi Porn who is returning to da motherland. She sensibly wore black trackpants rather than her trademark see thru when wet white shorts.

Finally on ice was Uncle Gerry ahead of his naming.

Down down’s included Filthy Habits drawing a comparison between his own physical characteristics and a study that defined handsome.  No wonder Sir Cum was confused.

Also setting the scene was Flithy’s premature full moon down-down. Despite his considerable speed on a steep slope he always manages to fall in step behind some female Hashers. On the day the lucky candidates included Jade, Full of Spunk, Thumble Prints and co.

For some reason GPS seemed to have an orgasm in the circle at which point he was immediately summonsed for a down-down.

Still Sir Cum rallied and called Ollie up who he rightly observed loved to get down and dirty given she had returned to the bus looking like she’d been at a mud wrestling convention.

Glen from Peru purchased a large firework, early into the trail which he then carried the whole distance, including navigating the briar patch. Still when it came to igniting it we noted that as an employee of a large US organisation building a large shopping centre in the heart of Zhujiang Xin Cheng he selected our own Chic Sheik, a North African Muslim to detonate the device.

Jade complained bitterly about her long overdue name but one thing she can be sure…there is no shortage of ice.

Finally the naming. He arrived Uncle Gerry but left Garry Glitter. Unfortunately many of us had not know that G Glitter had been embroiled in some controversy several years before, as it transpired the newly named Garry was having difficulty explaining to several potential neices why his namesake was famous.

As usual much thanks to the Dray’s, Full of Spunk, Habitual Sucker and Jade.

As the gang entered the bus again for the trip home, it was nice to  be so close to friends again. Luckily there were no calls for pit-stops or complaints about overcrowding, like one would expect on a retirees trip to a new shopping mall instead of a Hash (sounds like), so Mr Magoo could race back to Guangzhou so the thirsty Hashers could get rebeerdrated again.

Given the beautiful weather dinner was held outside at Baiyun where is was good to see Garry Glitter still working on recruiting even more nieces. Even if they would have your rabbits on the stove quicker than you could say bunny soup!!!

Perhaps better to stick with the goats’ stomach.

OnOn

Raging Bullshit (& HunkaSpunk)