Hash 1037#

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members” Graucho Marx

The New Year brings fresh developments to the Hash, as Mismanagement strive for ever higher standards of customer care for the devoted pack (“Sounds like, sounds like ……”).

The most notable change was the sad demise of the much beloved, albeit environmentally poisonous, Mush Mobile.

Rumour had it that the veneer of dried and stale beer coating every available surface had rendered it a serious health hazard, host to strange strains of bacteria, nurtured by the copious puddles of bodily fluids (some her own) left behind every time Jade got changed.

GPS immediately praised the new chariot on account of the increased leg room. However Herr Meatballs, ever pragmatic, was most impressed with the extra room for his prodigious genitals, claiming that he no longer has to sit “like a woman giving birth” to accommodate his pork sword.

Methinks he doest protest too much!

If the cartoons in the ladies toilet at Mango are anatomically accurate, it’s more like a wiener than bratwurst!

A warm welcome back to our wandering Sir Cum and Globetwatter who, assisted (?) by GPS, were haring for the day.

Right from the beginning they displayed their trademark style of numerous circles and back-checks, effecting a Diaspora of hounds scattered wide across the countryside. Ever thoughtful, our Kiwi hares arranged for some goats to be stationed at regular intervals for the sexual relief of their countrymen.

Never slow in cumming forward, Raging Bullshit quickly singled out the prettiest one with a practiced eye, but didn’t give her his mobile number afterwards! What a callous baaaa-stard!

Up hill and down dale we struggled bravely on until disaster struck – our entire contingent of German Über-athletes was defeated by the rigours of the trail. They had to retire hurt to the bus, to babysit the beer. Crafty bugger that Hans Solo, getting extra time to raise the wrist!

Somehow we inferior races found the strength to push on, through some of the most glorious countryside that Guangdong has to offer.  Plunging through bamboo forests, our spirits lifted by lyrical cries of “On-On” courtesy of Sleazy Chair and bellows from our very own Hunk-A-Spunk.

Thus passed the next 2 hours, as hashers strolled, sauntered or sprinted (each according to their own peculiar custom), trying to divine the cracked and beer-addled minds of the hares. One useful observation from Habitual Sucker was, when faced with a circle of flour, always take the path that Jade doesn’t take – that way we are pretty certain to be on the right trail!

On-in and back to the bus for refreshment.

Special thanks to Sleazy Chair for his savory bites, one wonders if he uses a special secret sauce for that piquant salty flavour.                     Also Habitual Sucker’s brown bits were well appreciated, as were CiCi’s coconut covered phalli.

Circle Up!

New cummers were honoured in traditional style, including “Asia”, a Virginian offshoot of the Habit’s clan. Novel to have a Virgin over the age of 13 in that family!

Next came a flurry of accusations, falling thicker and faster than arrows at Agincourt. Of special note include observations that:

• • Rasmus appears to be a photographic negative of his evil twin brother, Hunk-A-Spunk

• • Pommy Rotton sports tight, leopard skin “budgie smugglers” at the beach

• • Pinprick, Constipation and Sunshine deserved “down-downs” for displaying apparent beer phobia, by not getting earlier down downs.

Breaking news.

The Guangzhou Government has raised it’s Almighty Fuck-Up warning to level 9 for next weekend. This is in response to the truly dire information that next week’s hounds will be misled by Raging Bullshit and Hunk-A-Spunk.

Already dubbed the Dumb and Dumber Hash, prominent companies have been competing to sponsor the event.

Currently Prudential Life Insurance have the edge, closely followed by StayDry Incontinence Aids (you’ll piss yourself at the incompetent Hares atrocious efforts) and General Haig Consultancy Services (“Lions led by Donkeys”).

Still, as this is Martzi Porn’s Fuck Off Hash, we should emulate the Mayor of Guangzhou, who takes an annual swim through the turd-laden Pearl River.

Like him, we should “go through the motions” of a truly terrible Hash, just so we can get Martzi Porn ROARING drunk afterwards.

Church notices

1. Please submit suggested Hash names for Rasmus to Mismanagement in the normal fashion

1. For God’s sake, please stop bombarding Mismanagement with ever more disgusting Hash names for Jade.                Every aspect of her depraved lifestyle has been exposed and exploited, we are drowning in suggestions!!

1. GPS has custody of the Hashits this week.                          Please remind him to bring them next week, and also to take the blue pills every 4 hours and the red ones after meals.

On-On!

Anon