Hash #1033

The Pommie Hash

Dear Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas, Duchess of Edinburgh, Sovereign of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle following is my report into the heroic actions of two loyal and fawning citizens of the most beautiful collection of Islands known as Mother England.

On the day of Saturday in the year of our lord 2009, Duke Pete of Pom and Sir Pile Driver laid an absolutely magnificent Hash Trail (by jove flour that is not the stuff preferred by that young bounder Prince Harry).

Definitely an example to remind the United Nations of souls gathered what absolutely stern stuff us Brits are made off.  We took civilisation to these Hashers’ just as we introduced civilisation to those peasant Irish and Scottish.

While there had been much scepticism that we would not demonstrate the leadership and courage that categorises us as a nation of empire builders, rather than we would be made to look like a fallen star inhabited by binge drinkers, Chav’s and scouse girls, valour won on the day.

It was a magnificent day reminiscent of a fine English summer….bitterly cold, windy, raining and only 11oC. A fair smattering of representative from our Commonwealth attended…Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Rhodesia.

The trail was divided into 3 sections – running, walking and cleverly a cycle trail.

All started well although young Pile Driver was having difficulty waving the flag which one can only attribute to nothing having been subjected to enough fagging when he was at public school.

The superiority of English planning, excluding the fact that Sir Pete of Pom did take a tad long in explaining to everyone how the system worked, saw it end up as a marvellous Hash. It fact it was later joked that the explanation took longer than the Hash itself.

Still one thing that was a Hash first was the lengthy time it took the Hares to return to the circle. Normally the Hares should be first back to the Bus given they are setting the trail. Not this time !!! Pete of Pom and his trusty sidekick where the last to return on Bicycle some 1 hour after the first person had returned. Normally the Hares would be given the benefit of the doubt, but in this case everyone was un-prepared to do so and concluded they had lost their way…on their own trail !!

Now there are many people of Dutch origin on this Hash, thirsty beggars that they are. While renowned for their liberal attitudes to drugs and sex they are not known as a nation of great athletes. So un-surprising to see Shithole Millionaire, Kubla Kock and Dyke Plugger elect for the gentler cycling option. Shame they practice less restraint when it comes to the beer drinking later !!

One of the curious things of the Hash is what they call the circle. It is reminisant of the glorious days of private school where they get various members of the Hash up and get them to perform curious acts..including drinking round out of bedpans.

One of our most ardent critics was a chap called Soggy Biscuit…correct your Majesty, named after exactly the game that Prince Phillip with a few chaps like to retire to his study with in order to spread a bit man-hood onto a Ryvita.

He nominated a down-down based that when one Hasher learned the Pom’s where laying the trail, Mingless had requested the bus be stopped so that she get off. An unbeliever it would seem.

The circle was presided over the most boorish of individuals, the suitably named Raging Bullshit and saw a host of down downs. Contributing significantly was Sir Cum Navigator, Filthy Habits and Hunka Spunk.

These included two for new shoes. A quaint tradition whereby Gerry and Hans where required to drink beer from their new shoes. Less surprising was the crowds ability to goad Kubla Kock into drinking from new socks. Treacherous bastards these Dutch in the aptly named Kubla Kock was outed by his own country man Dyke Plugger, who was wearing a pair of identical socks given to him by KK in the first instance !!!

Three christenings were also completed. After sitting on blocks of ice (a jolly great ritual I last witnessed in the Masonic Lodge) Roxanne became Marzi Porn so named because of two of her favourite interests. Renee became Two Can Chew because of here dammed fine penchant for meat, and the delight that Black Sheep took in her having to explain this name to her 14 year old son. Finally after an excruciating 1 hour plus on the ice, Sir Pete of Pom was christened Johnny Rotton.  An honorific bestowed because of his claim that as a nice guy he was unable to participate in the stray bedroom antics that otherwise a true bounder and a cad could. He doth protest too much me thinks, after all he has jolly thick glasses !!

Other down downs included confirmation that Hunka Spunk does have tracksuits other than white ones, That Canadians fail in the art of lying about their age and that those dammed Germans were finally learning the art of Diplomacy. In fact too many good ones to relate them all.

Our German foes are constantly reminded of their failed efforts at Nation Building but seem to seek solace in the continuation of their motor industry. Personally I much preferred my Austin Maxi over those pretenacious BWM 7 series.

If a successful Hash is to be judged by the quantities of beer drunk, Sir Cum Navigator was heard to remark that a considerable quantity had been hoovered down.

On-on your Majesty. Your loyal servant,

Anon